Since February I have been fairly convinced that this would be the year I attended the GO Midwife School on the Big Island of Hawaii. In May the Lord confirmed that in my life and I began a waiting season. I began to wrap things up from my time on Oahu with a heavy heart. I knew that most likely I would never move back. My three and a half year on Oahu with Surfing The Nations were incredible as good brought my life into a season of redemption then training followed by servanthood. I made incredible friends, that I know will be lifetime friends but it broke my heart to leave them behind.
In August I spent an amazing three weeks at home where I focused mostly on my quiet times alone with God, my fitness and health, and time with my family. I got to spend a fun few days with my sister before she left to teach in Haiti and a crazy few days with my brother as I helped move him onto the IU campus I had once lived on. Being black in Bloomington feels a lot like passing a billboard on a highway. I see it in the distance but when I reach it, it passes by so fast it feels like a blur. I always arrive back in Hawaii with a bit of a surreal feeling, it all seems like a bit of a high speed blur.
I planned on being back on Oahu for a week in order to be at my friends' wedding and to ship my car over to the Big Island, my new home for the upcoming six months. But somewhere along the line I had messed up the start date of school and ended up being on Oahu two weeks longer than expected. Graciously a friend on the North Shore let me live in their storage shed, which functions as a bedroom and I also spent six crazy days on the wild island of Molokai. During those six weeks at home and on Oahu I longed for structure, a schedule, and a closet. But I knew that a few months in to school I would no doubt once again desire to live out of a suitcase, with no plan for the day except whatever came along.
Well after three weeks of school I cannot say I have hit that point yet. If anything I have thrived under the schedule, disciplining myself to wake up early and enjoy the peaceful quiet of the morning before my roommates awaken. I have studied harder than ever before, challenging myself to invest in my homework rather than simply answering it as fast as possible, and I am working on training my mind to be focused during long hours of class. Everything I learn, every piece of information I read, and every answer to the (many) questions I ask, will all one day be crucial at some moment in my work as a midwife. I want to be as spongelike as possible, soaking up the wisdom and knowledge of the women around and above me.
As a planner and a dreamer I crave knowledge but sometimes to my downfall. I want to know, know, know and I place my security too often in my own knowledge, particularly in my knowledge of what is to come. I want to know exactly what our international outreaches will look like, I want to know where I will be apprenticing come summer and I want to know what I will be doing after apprenticeship. But God is not calling me to know, He is calling me to surrender and believe. In my heart I plan my course, but the Lord establishes my steps. Proverbs 16:9 is my constant reminder that it is not in planning that I fail, but it is holding onto those plans with such fists that God has to pry open my hands to access them. I continue to learn to plan my future, to be excited for it and pray into it, but to hold it in open hands and let God establish my plans, change them, or take them away.
There are still times when my desire to place my security in the knowledge of my future arises, but I am learning more and more how to surrender. How to live with plans in my hand and watch God mold them and bring them to life. I do not know where I will be in five months time but I know that God is good and I know that he has called me to this journey of midwifery!